Slow Hope

It took days for Hinata to dig them out of the cave in. Komaeda wasn’t much help, having been injured in the fall, so Hinata had to get them out alone.

Days, it took, with Komaeda’s increasing pessimism wearying at him. And then once they did get back to the campsite, the others were gone.

‘They could have left something for us,’ Komaeda said. There was nothing but the long-dead remnants of a fire.

‘A tent would be good,’ Hinata said. The day was warm but overcast, and the air felt heavy. He didn’t fancy their luck finding shelter if it did rain.

‘A tent. An apology for leaving us behind ...’

‘I’m sure they tried their best. No-one could’ve expected you to fall into a cave.’

‘Sure,’ Komaeda said, ‘we’ll be welcomed back with open arms, right?’ He sat down, taking the weight off his injured leg. ‘Someone like you can think that. They’ll always be glad to see you.’

Hinata wasn’t sure what to say to that. He’d heard about Fukawa’s fight with Komaeda; seen Shingetsu’s discomfort. He couldn’t say that there weren’t people who might wish that Komaeda wouldn’t come back at all. He’d felt the same way himself, sometimes. But still.

‘If we didn’t want you around,’ he said, ‘we could’ve left you in that coma. Isn’t that enough proof for you?’

‘You almost didn’t though, right, Hinata-kun?’

‘What?’

‘You left me till last, didn’t you?’

Hinata scowled. ‘Maybe your head was just the hardest to get through.’

Komaeda didn’t answer.

‘Look,’ Hinata said, ‘none of us really deserve to be here, right? Even if the others didn’t chose it, they still took part. So no-one’s judging.’

‘I think Fukawa was judging rather a lot,’ Komaeda said. ‘She’s probably right, too. I mean, you know what I was like, don’t you?’ He met Hinata’s eyes with a sort of wild expression. ‘Even if I pretend that I’m recovered ... my luck won’t let me be. Look at what’s happened already.’

‘We’re fine,’ Hinata said. ‘Your foot will get better. We’ll make it back to the others.’

‘Right,’ Komaeda said. ‘Because I’m with you, you mean?’

‘Because I looked at the map,’ Hinata said. He sat down opposite Komaeda. They were both tired. They were both scared of staying lost, and maybe Komaeda did have more to be scared of than Hinata did. And he was in pain; Hinata knew that. He didn’t say any of it. ‘You could have studied the map too, you know.’

‘Would it have made me as self-righteous as you, I wonder?’

Hinata let that one slide. They still had a long journey ahead of them.

---

‘Oi, Saihara. We got company.’

‘Company?’ Saihara scrambled to his feet. ‘You mean –’

Iruma gave a sharp nod. ‘Looks like Naegi found that other group.’ She laughed. ‘Let’s hope they’re not all losers like you lot!’

Saihara hurried after her. If Komaru was back, that meant Momota and Harukawa were too. In the weeks since they’d left, Saihara had already come to miss them desperately.

The class met together behind the school. The tunnel was still the only way in and out the dome – Iruma had dismantled the traps, but they should really take the whole structure down. Even if they had to do it piece by piece, Saihara thought it would be worth it to see the real sky.

Harukawa was one of the first of the newcomers to trickle in.

‘Harukawa-san!’ He couldn’t help his enthusiasm, even if Harukawa didn’t echo it. ‘It’s good to see you again.’

She nodded. Her eyes flickered around the group, something guarded in her expression. ‘You’re not all here?’

‘That’s ... ah, there’s a lot to tell you.’

‘We got rid of Shirogane-chan,’ Oma said, ignoring Saihara’s reticence.

All of a sudden, there were a whole lot of people in the garden, and Oma ran off to greet Gonta. Saihara searched the crowd over Harukawa’s shoulder.

‘There’s something I have to tell you too,’ Harukawa said.

‘What is it?’ he said distractedly. Then, taking in the group that had assembled, ‘Where’s Momota-kun?’

It took her a moment to answer. ‘Momota’s not coming back,’ she said.

‘What do you mean?’ he said. ‘Has he run off somewhere?’ But he already knew, from her posture and her downcast eyes, what the answer was.

‘I mean he’s dead.’

Saihara felt the world fracture.

No-one else stopped, just him. Gonta started to explain how Momota come down sick; they didn’t know how.

Saihara knew how. He met Harukawa’s eyes. ‘He was already sick,’ Saihara said, ‘wasn’t he?’

Harukawa nodded.

‘But if he were sick,’ Kiibo said, ‘shouldn’t he have stayed here? Why would he go off like that?’

‘Why shouldn’t he?’ Harukawa said sharply. ‘Would it have been better for him to die here instead? At least he got to see the world before he –’ She stopped, looking a little surprised at her own emotion.

‘He didn’t want to die trapped here,’ Saihara said.

Harukawa nodded.

Saihara got it. He understood it with his mind: Momota had wanted to go on his own terms, and he hadn’t wanted the others to worry. That was why he hadn’t said anything. Even so, Saihara couldn’t help the pain in his heart. He should have gone with him. Even if it had meant things going worse here, he should have been there for Momota.

‘What about Shirogane?’ Harukawa asked.

Shirogane’s betrayal seemed meaningless, in the face of Momota’s death.

‘Turns out Shirogane and that Monaka girl were working together,’ Iruma said, so Saihara didn’t have to. When she said Monaka’s name, it got the attention of Komaru and the others too. ‘Shirogane wasn’t happy Monaka turned herself in, so.’

Saihara saw Shingetsu flinch. ‘Monaka’s dead?’ he said. Komaru moved to touch his arm, briefly.

‘Yup. We hardly even got to interrogate her.’ Oma sighed.

‘Where’s Shirogane-san now?’ Komaru asked.

‘Out there.’ Iruma gestured with her thumb.

‘Shirogane-san wanted us to kill each other?’ Gonta said.

‘Turns out, behind that plain face, she was just your typical whack-job,’ Iruma said.

‘We didn’t want any more deaths,’ Kiibo said. ‘That’s why we decided exile was the best option.’

‘Course, she’ll probably just die out there anyway,’ Iruma said. Her voice cracked at the end of her sentence, as if she’d just remembered that Momota did die out there.

It seemed so unfair. They were reunited again, and all the news they had to tell each other was death. Even though the killing game was meant to be over.

He wondered if the newcomers knew what they were in for.

---

‘Are you okay?’ Komaru touched Shingetsu’s arm again; he looked shaken.

Komaru felt shaken herself. She could hardly wrap her mind around it. Monaka was dead. After all this time, everything that had happened, she was really dead.

‘We buried her in the lower garden,’ Kotoko said. ‘Do you want to see?’

Komaru looked at Shingetsu, and he nodded.

They walked down to the garden together: Komaru and Fukawa and the four Warriors of Hope. Komaru listened to Kotoko teasing Fukawa about getting fat – Monaka’s death was already old news to her.

Kotoko led them down to the burial plot – not just Monaka’s grave, but the graves of everyone who had died. Monaka’s grave was set apart a little, as if it had been placed reluctantly.

‘We couldn’t find any incense,’ Daimon said. ‘But there’s flowers.’

Shingetsu looked at Monaka’s grave, and he looked across at the seven others. ‘Does she really deserve it?’ he asked.

‘It wasn’t just her fault,’ Kotoko said firmly. ‘Didn’t you hear?’ And she dragged Shingetsu through the motions of tending the grave, while Komaru and Fukawa waited.

Fukawa had an odd expression on her face. Komaru reached out to take her hand, as much for her own comfort as Fukawa’s.

Komaru didn’t know how she should feel. If she should be relieved or regretful; if she should be sad or glad. If it were okay to feel only this slight wistfulness, because she’d wanted Monaka to be better. But Monaka never had been.

‘She never changed at all,’ Komaru said.

‘Not everyone does,’ Fukawa said.

Shingetsu stood up again. The grave was tidy and neat; Monaka’s spirit would have nothing to complain about. He glanced nervously at Komaru, as if for approval. She wanted to take his hand too.

Shingetsu and the others had changed. All Komaru’s hope hadn’t been wasted. And they were still here together, in this new world.

Monaka had never been invited in the first place.

---

That evening, Harukawa waited for Saihara in the pavilion. When he arrived, he didn’t say anything right away. Just sat beside her. She wondered if he was remembering too.

‘I really thought we’d get to see each other again,’ he said at last. ‘We never got to be together without that hanging over our heads. If I’d known ...’

‘Momota’s the one who decided not to tell us,’ Harukawa said. She was thinking how stupid it was, that she should have got so attached to him in such a short space of time. All the time they’d had.

‘I should’ve known though,’ Saihara said. ‘Saying he was scared of ghosts ... what kind of a story was that?’

Harukawa stared out across the courtyard. ‘Do you think you’d feel any better now if he had said something?’ Dead was dead. They couldn’t have prevented it, not if Momota was already sick.

‘You’re probably right,’ Saihara said. ‘Still.’

‘He was glad to see what was outside,’ Harukawa said, more insistent. ‘So don’t feel bad for him.’

He turned toward her, and she went on.

‘He was really excited,’ she said. ‘Like a kid.’ Enraptured by each glimpse of an unknown bird, every new and unfamiliar flower. And wanting to share them with her.

‘Then ... that’s good,’ Saihara said. ‘Yeah. He must’ve been glad.’

They lapsed into silence again. But it was easier than the silence that had weighed upon her, all the journey back.

‘It’s a few days’ walk,’ she said, ‘but if you want, we could go visit the grave.’ They hadn’t passed it on the way back, but Harukawa thought she could find it again. She hoped she could.

‘I’d like that,’ Saihara said. ‘Were you ... were you there when he died?’

Harukawa nodded.

‘That’s good then,’ Saihara said. ‘I’m glad he wasn’t alone. When I think of everyone who died ... I’m glad he wasn’t alone.’

Harukawa thought of the executions they’d seen. She thought of Chabashira, trapped in a cage, and Amami, escaping one death only to meet another.

Momota at least had had the open air and the night sky and someone beside him.

She was glad it had been her.

---

That night, Komaru and Fukawa got ready for bed together. They’d decided to keep the same room Komaru had been given before.

‘Let’s never walk anywhere again,’ Fukawa said, collapsing onto the bed. ‘Did you hear Kotoko earlier? What a brat.’

‘You are starting to show,’ Komaru said. Fukawa made an irritated noise, blowing her off.

When Komaru came back from her shower, Fukawa had drifted off to sleep. She stirred when Komaru climbed into bed.

‘Sorry,’ Komaru said. ‘Go back to sleep.’ She snuggled into Fukawa’s side, thinking that when Fukawa’s pregnancy was further along, she probably wouldn’t want to share any more. And when she had the baby, what would they do? They couldn’t keep living at the dorms. Would they have to stay at the love hotel instead? The decor seemed somehow even more terrifying if you imagined a baby in amongst it.

Fukawa didn’t go back to sleep. ‘Hey, Komaru,’ she said. ‘You believe me, right? About the baby.’

‘Hmm?’

‘It really is Byakuya-sama’s baby.’

‘Okay.’ Komaru wasn’t sure what Fukawa wanted her to say.

‘I’m not making it up.’

‘I believe you, Toko-chan.’

‘It’s just ...’ Her next words came out in a mutter. ‘Even though he wouldn’t sleep with me ...’

That made Komaru pay attention. Fukawa stared at the ceiling, unblinking.

‘I thought when he agreed, it meant ... but he wouldn’t do it.’ Her eyelids fluttered closed. ‘So it’s his baby, but I’m still a virgin. How pathetic is that?’

‘It’s not pathetic, Toko-chan.’ After everything that had happened, Fukawa was worried about that? It wasn’t as if either of them had had time for things like relationships in the old world. There were too many more important things going on.

And Fukawa was one of Komaru’s more important things.

‘I know you like Shingetsu,’ Fukawa said, in an undertone.

‘What? Toko-chan, that’s –’

‘But I’m still making you share a room with me.’ She almost giggled. ‘Because I’m selfish. Selfish and pathetic.’

‘You’re not,’ Komaru said. ‘And I wanted to share with you. You know I hate sleeping alone.’

‘See? You’re not even denying it any more.’

‘Denying what?’ Komaru said.

‘Komaru. Likes. Shingetsu.’

‘Shut up,’ Komaru said, and hid her face under the covers. It wasn’t a mature response, but this was hardly a mature conversation.

‘At least you have a chance, right?’ The teasing had gone out of Fukawa’s voice. ‘Byakuya-sama’s hundreds of years in the past. Nothing’s ever going to change with us now.’

Komaru poked her head out again. It seemed somehow crueler of Byakuya to let Fukawa carry his child but not to sleep with her than it would have been to refuse her altogether. And Fukawa had gone along with it ...

‘It’s alright,’ Komaru said. ‘A baby doesn’t need a father. Cos it’ll have two awesome mums, right?’

‘Don’t say stuff like that,’ Fukawa said.

‘Why not? I’m not going anywhere. You’re the most important person in the world to me, Toko-chan.’

‘Yeah, well, there’s not exactly a lot of competition any more.’

‘Nuh-uh,’ Komaru said. ‘You know that’s not it.’ She reached for Fukawa’s hand under the blankets. Held it in hers.

And Fukawa didn’t argue any more.

---

Shirogane had been in the wild for twenty days and nineteen nights when she spotted them. Two young men, following the remnants of the road that led towards the dome, one of them on crutches.

They made no efforts at stealth, but then, they didn’t know what they had to be afraid of.

They must’ve been split off from the larger group at some point. That was how the one of them had been injured, Shirogane figured. It should make it easier for her.

She followed them at a distance for the rest of the day. She could have spoken to them – it wasn’t as if they’d know who she was, or that she’d been exiled. She could be a helpless girl, lost herself ... But that would just be making excuses for the chance to talk to someone. They’d find out what she was in the end – there was only one way to get around that.

It would make a good ending, wouldn’t it? If the others waited for their friends, only for them to never show up. It would be appropriately despairing. She could pick the rest of them off slowly, whensoever they ventured out from the dome. No-one would need to know it was her. They’d learn that way what kind of a world they’d woken to – that it wasn’t a world for humans. They’d see that it would have been better to give in, to kill each other and to be killed. The way she’d wanted.

She tracked the men until nighttime, when they settled down to sleep. She’d crafted herself a spear early on in her exile – you needed it for the bush, where there were wild boar and perhaps even bears – but what she’d meant for defense could just as easily be turned to murder.

She could take their food too. She was getting hungry enough.

By the time they were finally sleep, tucked up against one other, she’d begun to doubt herself. Could she kill either of them without the other waking? If she wasn’t fast enough ... she had to hope that the other one would at least kill her quickly.

While she prevaricated, the light-haired man got up again. He walked away from the camp, and Shirogane held her breath. The other man didn’t stir.

This was her chance. Her heart felt bright, as she approached the camp. She had to be quick, and be gone before the other man came back.

She could do it.

She stood over the sleeping man, and she pointed her spear at his throat. It was too dark to make out his face.

Her hands trembled, a little. She would have to put all her weight into the spear thrust, to be sure.

But in the moment Shirogane steeled herself, the man’s eyes snapped open, and she gasped as he wrenched the spear away from her, unbalancing her. She fell to the ground heavily. And then she was the one with a spear pointed at her.

She took one breath, and then another. The spear tip stayed pointed at her throat. What was he waiting for?

‘Go on,’ she said. ‘Do it.’ She didn’t know why he was just standing there.

‘That was impressive, Hinata-kun.’ The other man clapped his hands together. She hadn’t heard him come back.

‘What the hell, Komaeda?’

‘Don’t ask me,’ Komaeda said, waving him off. ‘I don’t know her.’

‘Are you sure about that?’ Hinata demanded.

Shirogane looked between the two of them, her eyes flicking back and forward. The tip of the spear was uncomfortably sharp against her skin. Hinata didn’t tremble.

‘Sure sure.’ Komaeda came closer, and crouched down beside her. She couldn’t help but try and shift away from him.

‘Just kill me,’ she said. She didn’t know what they wanted. ‘Please.’

She flinched as Hinata stabbed the spear into the ground beside her.

‘I don’t usually go around killing people,’ he said.

‘I would’ve killed you,’ she said. And she would have. She’d done it before, twice with her own hands. She would have.

‘It’s a bit pointless to kill someone who wants to be killed,’ Komaeda said. ‘Like doing her a favour.’

Hinata turned his head. ‘You’re saying that? You?’

‘Different situation, Hinata-kun.’

She didn’t know what they were talking about.

‘You’re from the school, right?’ Komaeda addressed her now. ‘What’re you doing out here, then?’

‘I –’ Murdered people who should’ve been friends. Wouldn’t buy into their shitty hope. ‘Can I sit up?’

Hinata picked the spear back up. She pulled herself into a sitting position, moving away from Komaeda.

‘I don’t think you want to know what I’m doing out here,’ she said.

‘Maybe not.’ Hinata sat down too, so the three of them formed a triangle. He kept the spear across his lap.

‘Maybe if it’s terrible enough,’ Komaeda said, ‘we’ll change our minds and kill you after all.’ He sounded cheerful.

‘We’re not killing anyone.’

They were bickering, she thought. After what she’d tried ... ‘You’re as bad as they are.’

‘Oh?’ Komaeda said.

‘They were all, no, we’re not going to kill you. As if they hadn’t been happy to kill each other before that woman came along. Then it was all, no, no, we can’t do anything bad like that.’ Not like you, they meant. ‘We’ll just send you into the wilderness to die on your own.’

‘But you’re not dead yet, are you?’ Komaeda seemed far too relaxed, considering she’d just tried to kill his friend.

‘Why did they kick you out?’ Hinata asked.

She may as well tell them. ‘They found out I was the one making them kill each other,’ she said. It still made her a little proud, to say it.

She heard Hinata draw a sharp breath. ‘I thought you said you didn’t know her,’ he said to Komaeda.

‘This isn’t Monaka.’ Komaeda’s voice was flat.

‘It’s not?’

‘See?’ Shirogane said. ‘They didn’t think someone like me could be behind it either.’ She was somehow unsurprised it was the same with these two.

‘So who are you?’ Hinata asked.

‘Shirogane,’ she said. ‘Not that it matters.’

‘Shirogane-san,’ Komaeda said. ‘So if you were the one making them kill each other, what happened to Monaka?’

Monaka, Monaka. The way people went on about her was the only thing worse than the way people went on about their morals. ‘I killed her,’ she said.

‘Is that right?’

‘She shouldn’t have given herself up,’ Shirogane said. ‘Does that make you want to kill me, then?’

Komaeda seemed to consider it. ‘Monaka was a piece of work,’ he said. ‘But still.’

‘I killed her and I killed Amami-kun too,’ Shirogane said. Why wouldn’t they take her seriously? ‘I killed him and framed someone else for it so they’d die as well. Does that make you want to kill me?’

‘We don’t know who you’re talking about,’ Hinata said.

Her hopes deflated.

‘We’re not going to help you die,’ Komaeda said. ‘If you want to die, do it yourself. Someone who can kill should at least have the guts for that.’

Shirogane flinched.

‘You don’t really want to die, do you?’ Hinata said. He said it like he already knew the answer. She hated that.

‘Why wouldn’t I? It’ll happen soon enough anyway. We’re all going to die. Even if we all pretend to get along –’ like the rest of her class were pretending they could get along – ‘it’ll still happen. People will kill each other. Or if they don’t, this world will.’ She threw up her hands. ‘We weren’t meant to be here.’

‘Weren’t we?’ Komaeda asked.

But this was a point Shirogane was sure on. ‘Humanity was meant to die out,’ she said. ‘That’s what should have happened. That’s true despair.’

‘And that’s why you wanted them to kill each other,’ Hinata said.

‘Why not? It was going to happen anyway. I just moved things along.’

‘And that’s why you wanted to kill Hinata-kun too, right?’ Komaeda said. ‘That’s why you followed us.’

She hadn’t realised they’d caught on. That was shameful, somehow; more shameful than her ultimate failure. But she wouldn’t let it phase her.

‘It would teach them not to come out here, wouldn’t it? Can you imagine how they’d feel when they realised? Despair like that ... it’s only fitting for the end of the world, right?’

‘How boring,’ Hinata mumbled.

‘What?’

‘It’s boring,’ he said, louder. ‘Everyone’s so predictable. You’re too scared to kill yourself, but you’re also too scared to really try and live. You don’t want to put the effort in.’

‘That’s not it.’

‘Isn’t it? Die if you want to,’ he said. ‘I don’t care. Just leave us out of it.’

Her mouth fell open. She looked at Komaeda.

‘I’m with him,’ he said. ‘As long as you don’t try and hurt Hinata-kun again, I could care less.’

‘What ...’ She looked between them both. ‘I don’t understand.’

‘Get out of here,’ Hinata said. There was something disgusted in his voice.

‘You’re just going to let me go?’

‘If you can call it that,’ Hinata said. ‘It’s not like there’s anywhere to go.’

She felt trapped, even though they were setting her free. She was going to be alone again. She couldn’t kill them ... she hadn’t even surprised them, in the end ... and it seemed clear they weren’t going to kill her either. No-one would.

She wished they’d just put her out of her misery already.

She felt a little dizzy when she stood up.

‘If you decide you want to live,’ Hinata said, ‘maybe we’ll help. But you have to want to make the effort.’

She took a deep breath, looking down at him. ‘Are you an idiot?’ she said. ‘Why would you do that?’

‘You weren’t the first one to start a killing game,’ Hinata said.

She didn’t know what he meant.

She didn’t care what he meant.

She stalked off into the forest, leaving them behind. Komaeda said, ‘See you!’ as she left, and she hated him. She hated them both.

She should’ve done better. If she could’ve been more like Enoshima, she would’ve done better.

If Monaka hadn’t betrayed her, they could’ve ruined this new world together. Instead they were the losers, she and Monaka both.

Some things never really changed.