Feelings All the More Bitter

That week, after Youngjae messes with him again, Kangmo learns that not having batteries for your cochlear implant doesn’t get you out of class. Kangmo still has to attend as usual; worse, the teacher asks for a volunteer to share notes with him. This is mortifying for the reasons that (a) it means that everyone knows he can’t hear, and (b) it implies that Kangmo doesn’t have anyone who would share their notes with him without being asked.

Worse than mortifying: it’s Jinsoo who volunteers.

It’s like he thinks that doing a good deed will increase his social credit somehow. As if anyone will think the better of him for it. Even the teachers, Kangmo thinks, can tell a guy like that is a suck-up.

But even though he’s been promised Jinsoo’s notes, Kangmo still has to go to class.

At first he tries to follow along with the lesson, watching the teacher as they write on the board. But he can only pay so much attention without being able to hear what the teacher says, and Kangmo finds himself drifting off. Instead of watching the teacher, he imagines all the terrible things that could happen to Jo Youngjae.

Youngjae could try to set the school on fire but get trapped in the flames and burn to death horribly. He could fuck up in the science room and burn a hole of acid right through the back of his arm. Someone could spike his lunch with shards of glass and he could choke to death on his own blood.

If any of the teachers notice Kangmo’s lack of attention, they don’t call him on it. Probably they can’t think how to do it without speaking out loud.

At lunch time, Kangmo picks a spot that he can see Youngjae from, and he sits there and gives him the evil eye. One of Youngjae’s friends gestures to him, and he and Youngjae laugh together, at the temerity of Kangmo’s insult. Kangmo doesn’t care. He imagines Youngjae getting out of bed to find someone has covered his floor with thousands of thumb tacks pin-side up. Youngjae crushed to death between the movable shelves at the back of the library. Youngjae drinking a glassful of drain cleaner. The scenarios don’t need a back story; Kangmo just needs to be able to picture Youngjae suffering.

Despite the laughter, it must get to Youngjae, because he pushes back from his table approaches. For a moment, Kangmo thinks he should just make a run for it – but he’s still eating, and besides, they’re in public.

Youngjae puts his hand on the back of Kangmo’s neck, and Kangmo tries not to flinch away too hard.

Youngjae talks at him. Kangmo has no idea what Youngjae is saying, except that his friends who have followed are cracking up. When Youngjae goes to ruffle Kangmo’s hair, Kangmo shoves his hand away; Youngjae pretends to look insulted, and repeats the action more roughly.

At the other end of the table, Jinsoo is pinned in his chair, watching. He’s caught as surely as Kangmo: between the urge to intervene and the knowledge that no way in hell does he want Youngjae’s attention turned to him. So instead he just watches, like if he can just make his pity for Kangmo palpable enough, it will make the situation better.

It will not.

When Youngjae tries to put an arm around Kangmo’s shoulders – he won’t ever stop trying to touch him – Kangmo twists out of the way, and he gets up, grabbing his lunch tray, and he leaves. He thinks Youngjae is laughing.

Jinsoo stands up when Kangmo passes, but Kangmo doesn’t have to hear him saying his name, and he can pretend not to see.

He’s lucky, he supposes, that Jinsoo doesn’t come after him.

Jinsoo waits until dinner instead, slipping into the seat beside him. He pushes a folder full of the day’s notes toward him. Long seconds pass, before Kangmo can bring himself to acknowledge it. He nods instead of saying thank you, because even those words feel thick in his throat; Jinsoo doesn’t seem offended though. He sits beside Kangmo right through dinner, relieved of the burden of trying to make conversation by Kangmo’s inability to take part. Kangmo doesn’t bother glaring at Youngjae this time, and Youngjae ignores him.

It’s peaceful.

Jinsoo seems disappointed when Kangmo finishes dinner and stands up. Kangmo isn’t sure what he expects – it’s not like Kangmo can stay and chat. Or that he would even if he could.

Still, he should try to be gracious. He resists his fears about how his voice will come out, and he tells Jinsoo, ‘Thanks for the notes.’

Jinsoo says, ‘No problem!’ and then immediately looks aghast at himself for daring to verbalise in front of the deaf boy.

As with many things, Kangmo pretends not to notice.

---

Back in his room, Kangmo spends half an hour picking through his photos before he can bring himself to look at Jinsoo’s notes. The teachers won’t go easy when they mark his tests though, so eventually he has to look at them. The notes are photocopied, but Jinsoo has left him a handwritten message on top.

It’s mostly apologies for the state of his handwriting, but at the end of it, Jinsoo has added a question: why don’t you tell them Jo Youngjae did it?

Why doesn’t he tell the teachers it’s Youngjae who took the batteries for his implant?

The question makes Kangmo feel tired. There are a million reasons not to tell. Because Kangmo doesn’t want to make things worse. Because he’s seen Youngjae convince teachers he’s only hapless before. Because if Kangmo’s parents thought he was being bullied, they’d pull him out of school. Because if he actually did somehow get Youngjae into trouble, Youngjae would probably murder him.

Because complaining only makes you seem weaker.

Jinsoo must be an idiot, if he doesn’t understand that.

Only Kangmo thinks Jinsoo does understand. He knows not to tell on people like Youngjae – he just doesn’t realise that the rules that apply to him also apply to Kangmo. As if Kangmo’s being deaf somehow entitles him to an exemption from the general bullshit of life.

That’s all Youngjae is: general bullshit.

Kangmo screws up Jinsoo’s note and chucks it in the bin. He’s not going to trade messages with Jinsoo. If Jinsoo wants Kangmo to confide in him, he’ll have to be disappointed – Kangmo would rather write off the next test altogether than give Jinsoo a response.

If anything makes Kangmo feel bad, it’s that he knows Jinsoo will share his notes as long as he needs them anyway. It doesn’t matter how blatantly Kangmo ignores him.

Kangmo’s replacement batteries can’t come fast enough.