Once Too Much, and Not Enough

‘You can hit me if you want.’ Youngjae’s hunched over as he says it, shifty looking; Kangmo knows he doesn’t like pain.

‘Really? Can I?’

Youngjae glances at him, resenting the enthusiasm that Kangmo brings to his voice.

Kangmo lifts his hand, fingers folded but not quite making a fist. ‘How many times?’

‘What?’

‘How many times can I hit you? If this is some tit-for-tat thing, well –’ Kangmo stops and wonders if he can even count the occasions on which Youngjae has hit him, let alone the number of blows. ‘Or should I just do it till I get bored?’

‘If you’re gonna be like that,’ Youngjae says, ‘you can just forget it –’

‘No no no,’ Kangmo says. ‘I mean, I want to. I’ve thought about it.’

Youngjae meets his eyes weakly. He’s gotten worse at pretending bravado, Kangmo thinks. He wants to run away.

‘I’ve thought about it a lot,’ Kangmo says. He puts his hands down in his pockets. ‘But you know, I don’t think I need to hit you.’

‘What, you’re too good for that?’

Kangmo looks away, his lip curling, but he doesn’t actually laugh. ‘Sure. I’m too good to hit you.’ He flicks his eyes back. ‘How does that make you feel?’

Youngjae grinds out the next words. ‘Like I should beat you up some more.’

‘That’s why I won’t do it,’ Kangmo says. ‘See, you have to feel like that all the time. And I don’t.’ There should be a so after that, but it doesn’t come. Because Kangmo remembers how he does have to feel. All the time. And it’s shit.

‘Maybe you should stick with that,’ Kangmo murmurs. He won’t punch Youngjae even the once; he won’t make them even. But he doesn’t know how he feels, if Youngjae refrains from beating him up, but he doesn’t refrain from making digs at Youngjae.

If he stops, will he disappear completely?

‘Fine,’ Youngjae says. ‘You’re too good to hit me. Whatever.’ There’s a slightly wild look to his eye, and Kangmo wonders if he’s about to get an arm slung round his shoulder. ‘It’s a standing offer.’

‘Are you serious?’

‘Just, you know, as long as it’s not in front of anyone.’

Kangmo raises his hand, and Youngjae flinches. But Kangmo only uses it to cover his face, because he’s afraid he might break into laughter.

‘I mean, it wouldn’t be right. If I can’t hit you back.’

‘Sure, we wouldn’t want to mess with your image.’ Kangmo looks at him from behind his fingers. ‘You know you’re a joke, right?’

Youngjae smiles without mirth. ‘You know,’ he says, ‘you’re really testing me.’

‘I just don’t want to think you’ve developed too much. You’ll make me look bad.’

For a moment, Youngjae looks hurt. But it’s only a moment. Kangmo could be imagining things. He doesn’t know why those words would hurt especially anyway.

‘Forget I said anything,’ Youngjae says, before he moves off. And Kangmo isn’t sorry to see him go, but he does feel a little disappointed.

Like if he poked Youngjae enough, shouldn’t he roar back? Kangmo should be on the ground right now.

He’d thought, with everything that had happened, he’d given up on feeling lonely. He’d accepted it.

He’s not that desperate. He doesn’t want Youngjae pushing him around.

But if Youngjae stops, that’s one less human interaction he can count on.

Maybe he should hit Youngjae back after all.