Small Confessions

After Eunsung had dropped them off some books at the library, Jaekyu watched Mooyul watching her go, and he asked, ‘Why don’t you and Yu Eunsung get back together? You still care about each other, so …’

Mooyul met Jaekyu’s eyes and smiled, but it was an inward-facing smile. ‘It wouldn’t work,’ he said. ‘Besides, I made a resolution.’

‘You did?’

‘To be a little bit more selfish,’ Mooyul said.

What Kim Yohan had said about him, Jaekyu thought. But he couldn’t imagine Mooyul ever being selfish. Nor could he see the connection to not getting back together with Eunsung.

Mooyul’s eyes glanced away and then back. ‘You don’t get it,’ he said, but he sounded wry rather than disappointed.

Jaekyu shook his head.

‘It’s alright.’

‘No,’ Jaekyu said, ‘you should tell me what you mean.’ He felt forward asking, but if they were meant to be friends, it should be okay to ask. He wanted them to be friends. That was most of all he’d ever wanted.

Mooyul smiled again, and he lowered his lashes, not looking at Jaekyu. It was a charming expression, and responsible for about half of Jaekyu’s desire that they not just be friends.

‘Not here,’ Mooyul said.

‘We could go somewhere else.’

Mooyul hid his face behind one hand, and he pointed a finger up to the ceiling. He laughed when Jaekyu looked up.

‘The cameras,’ he said. ‘And the rest.’ He gestured toward the rest of the library. The rest of the school? The rest of the students?

Mooyul wanted to be selfish. And it meant that he couldn’t date Eunsung. And it was something that he wouldn’t tell Jaekyu in public, or couldn’t tell him with the security cameras watching.

Jaekyu’s stomach flipped over.

‘Why did you ever date her?’ he asked.

‘It made her happy,’ Mooyul asked. ‘Until it didn’t. I do care for her, you’re right. But it’s not the same thing.’

‘If you’re meant to be more selfish,’ Jaekyu said, his voice getting less distinct, ‘can’t you just say it?’

‘I know what people are like,’ Mooyul said. He stood up, and he touched his hand to the top of Jaekyu’s arm; a casual gesture, to indicate Jaekyu should come with him, except that his touch lingered longer than was necessary.

Jaekyu had thought it was his imagination. That because he was aware of everything Mooyul did, his every look and gesture was magnified and meant more than it did.

He’d thought it was in his head.

Jaekyu stood up, and he followed Mooyul out the library.

‘Also,’ Mooyul said, ‘it would be a lot of demerits. If I wanted to follow through.’

‘So don’t get caught,’ Jaekyu said. Half jokingly, but wasn’t that their role now? A crime was a crime, but don’t get caught and you can keep on living.

Mooyul looked over at him. He really was like sunshine when he smiled.

‘You’re a flirt, Lee Jaekyu,’ he said.

And Jaekyu blushed. ‘I’m just saying,’ he said.

‘But you get what I mean now.’ Mooyul looked ahead of them, still smiling.

Jaekyu could hardly dare to believe it. But he knew.